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Relationships

Assumption is the thief of Joy

Indeed, which comes first, the happiness or the sex? A couple was told during a counselling session by the therapist to have sex

Indeed, which comes first, the happiness or the sex? A couple was told during a counselling session by the therapist to have sex twice a week to foster intimacy while working on their relationship. But isn’t intimacy spontaneous and why twice? It is definitely not because twice a week is an accepted universal standard or is that a secret recipe to revitalise happiness in a marriage that we are not aware of? Thousands of articles have been written on the subject of maintaining or saving a relationship and almost all of them prioritise sex. Like the chicken and egg, in a relationship, which comes first — the happiness or the sex? When your partner is not sexually responsive, it is easy to assume the worst. Well, if it’s of any comfort at all, such tormenting thoughts are not exclusive to women alone, men too have disturbing moments. One quickly assumes that your partner is no longer attracted to you, is no longer in love with you, or may even be having an affair or something. Happiness does not reside in a troubled mind and without happiness, how can one expect to have pleasure under the sheets and that said, a relationship almost certainly cannot flourish without sex.

It is not a matter of whether you should have sex twice a week or how many times, but of course twice is better than once and once is for sure, better than none. But if out of the blue, your partner should show a loss of interest in sex or a lower sex drive and you notice that the gap is becoming more pronounced, understand that there could be underlying reasons that you should want to find out about and address them rather than to suffer in silence and assume the worst. It could very possibly be work related or things bothering his mind and not necessarily because he has lost interest in you.

On the lore of sex, when it comes to gender differences, it is not quite correct to assume anyone ‘needs’ sex more. Men are often believed to need release and therefore understandably more driven, whereas women are different, they ‘Don’t Need Sex as Much’. We know the latter isn’t true, but is it true that men have only sex on their mind. That is probably just as untrue as the assumption that women don’t need as much sex.

Happy couple in bedroom enjoying sensual foreplay

Statistically speaking, twice a week may be a common sexual frequency for a large number of married couples but it certainly cannot be classified as normal.

Anyone who is happy with how much sex they are having, whether that is twice a week or twice a year or twice every hour, has absolutely nothing to do with who you are alone. One person needs it more, while another may not and they don’t talk about it and either break up in search of better sexual match or suffer in silence imagining all sorts of ill to hurt themself. For those who end up in therapy, it is not uncommon to receive advice to shoot for twice a week.

But if the frequency of sex abruptly deviated from former levels you should have a candid conversation with your partner about what is causing his lack of sex drive.

Sometimes, it could simply be out of respect that one partner thought not to intrude, seeing that you seem tired and needed to be left alone.

For women, emotional intimacy is often closely tied to sexual intimacy. When there is conflict or emotional disconnect in the relationship, a woman may shut down sexually and so can the male sex drive be impacted by similar dynamics. So, remember that the stronger your relationship is as a whole, the better your chances of a satisfying sex life. It is best to always be open with each other and remember those dating days when you were both able to tease and talk about anything and everything.

Pretty couple near window. interracial couple. so happy

Relationships

Sentiment-Filled Old Clothes

“The Land of Misfit Toys for Rejected, Sentiment-Filled Old Clothes”

“The Land of Misfit Toys for Rejected, Sentiment-Filled Old Clothes”

-You know that dress you have in the back of your closet that you were to a birthday party when you were a child and kept trying to wear for multiple years after and then your mother forcibly removed it from your wardrobe and you cried? I still have a few articles of clothing like that hanging around.


– I’ll be the first to admit that I keep things that I shouldn’t. But there’s something about capturing a day or moment or even a particularly good set of years by keeping an article of clothing that got you through, and you formed a little bond with. It’s a guarantee that the memories won’t be forgotten.

-There’s the sweatshirt from a really great hiking trip that you wear at the end of an awful day, complete with leggings, your hair up in a bandana and Etta James blaring loudly throughout the house + plenty of red wine. This is no sweatshirt. This is pure warm, fuzzy therapy, and nothing else.

-Or those really badass sparkleberryfresh high heels. Like HIGH, high heels that you try on for fun, and always think you’ll wear sometime but they actually feel like your feet have been sucked down into some sinkhole to hell. You may have left the house once while wearing them, only to turn back after five minutes because you knew you’d never last the day with your feet in searing pain. These are perfectly fine to keep in your closet, just so that you can stare at their rare beauty from time to time, but guys do yourself a favor and never leave the house in them again. K you’re welcome. Just tryna help y’all out here.

-There might be a collection of rubber animal purses hiding in there that served their time faithfully but eventually needed to exit your life quickly and quietly. When you hear someone refer to you as “The Girl with the Animal Purses” you make changes FAST.

-Then there’s the Default Outfit- we all have one for almost every conceivable occasion. Sometimes you stray from the Default Outfit. On say, a job interview. You might think a job interview is a great time to mix things up!! On the morning of the interview you’ll change your mind, despite having carefully laid out and ironed the Default the night before. But you get a wild hair that next morning! Shortly before you leave to say to yourself, “HEY you know what would be a FABULOUS idea? If I instead wore Denim on Denim with Patent red clogs! I could look like a patriotic elf!” You do this and somehow get the job anyway. Still, though, this is not a tactic I would necessarily suggest, especially if you run into your Finance/Accounting student brother later in the day who will never, ever forgive you for wearing that to an interview, “BUT D.J. I STILL GOT THE JOB…” (D.J. doesn’t care. He says you went to an overpriced art school. D. J. will never understand your spontaneous artsy life decisions.)

– There are sometimes things that we hold onto that SHOULD go, however, that dress you’ve been patiently saving to wear until the cellulite on the back of your thigh is gone? Yeah, that cellulite isn’t going anywhere, and you’re never going to wear that. Save yourself a lot of wasted time and self-loathing and Get. Rid. Of. It. Your thighs are wonderful, you are wonderful, that dress doesn’t belong in your life anymore. Buh-Bye dress!!

-While some embarrassingly overstuffed closets might consist of Summer AND Winter clothes, instead of putting half of one’s wardrobe in storage, (the horror!) mine has articles of clothing that range from birth to sweaters I might feel like wearing when I’m an old lady. You Say Hoarder I Say Collector!

There is something about the idea of having a secret horde of treasures “in the closet” that just seem to suit them- it’s like their little home! Like the Land of Misfit Toys for rejected, sentiment-filled old clothes. They won’t tell anyone that you keep them around, and neither will you (unless you write an article about it but don’t be like me, K guys??)

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Relationships

Going the Distance

Long distance relationships are very romantic but also

Long distance relationships are very romantic but also very hard. The struggle is real but if you can make it, you are guaranteed stronger from it. Unfortunately for some the upkeep and virtual corresponding can be the breaking point. Jake Armada is someone who has been in a long distance relationship himself and has some wise advice for what to do and what to avoid when trying to love from afar.

Here are some long distance questions to ponder:

-Realistically, can long distance relationships actually work? And if so, for how long/how far away? (e.g. is there a length of time where it would just be TOO long, and not worth it anymore? How about if it’s an extremely long distance (a different country, etc), and visiting frequently isn’t possible?

-Are the ground rules for a long distance relationship the same as a normal relationship?

-What are the best things she can do to keep the romance alive/let him know she’s still into him?

-What about keeping the lust/physical chemistry alive? Are nude pictures/phone sex/skype sex a good idea or not?

-What should be done when things go wrong? (fights, questioning commitment, infidelity, etc). How do you fix bumps in the road from far away?

-Do “open relationships” ever work in long-distance situations?

Long distance relationships are hard. the first thing you should address is how you figure out whether or not both parties are committed to keeping the flame alive at a distance- how do you have that talk? And how do you address the needs of each partner? If you are in, how do you stay connected, emotionally? And how do you deal with the lack of physical connection? Get specific here (one of my friends used a three camera skype sex set up… that sort of thing). What are the hardest hurdles a couple might encounter? And how do you recommend dealing with them.

I’m about to be in a long distance relationship. What do I do?

To have a successful long distance relationship you are going to have to do something people of our generation don’t do. You are going to have to wait. We use the internet everyday. An entire species worth of knowledge and experience is at our very will. We can have anything and we can have it now. Accept each other. If the person you’re with is about to relocate, you will wait. Be comfortable with that and the rest will take care of its self.

Go Analogue

The real loss here is intimacy in so many forms. But that doesn’t mean you can’t give your person your time. Do the obvious and write them a letter. Write it all week. Get one of the trendy little banded notbooks and put down a sentence each time you think of them through the day. Not every time you’ll see weird but you know what I mean. Keep track of where you were and what you were doing when you thought of them. By the end of the week you’ll have a great letter.

Man and woman lying back to back on large heart, both looking at laptop computers

Don’t over do it

Staying glued to FaceTime will teach you hate each other.

Have a conversation about your relationship prior to the absence.

Opportunity is in distance. Take advantage. Talk about the things that are worth the wait.

Write two letters
One to read on their arrival. One to read together when they get home.

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Relationships

How to Feel SEXY

Body confidence and body positivity are vital to living a happy life. How you feel about

Body confidence and body positivity are vital to living a happy life. How you feel about yourself affects your mood and the mood of others around you, but also drastically affects your love life so follow these three steps to feel sexy and confident in your own skin.

Step 1: Allow Yourself to Feel Sexy
We have so many hang ups about skin, arms, stretch marks, cellulite etc. Stop letting certain parts of you not let you feel sexy. Whether you’re moving forward or stagnant, you have to allow yourself to be sexy. You have to accept and believe you are sexy with what you are now. You may not be exactly where you want to be, don’t let that hinder you. You are still woman and still sexy. It is okay to be insecure but still allow yourself to be sexy.

Step 2: Look at Yourself in the Mirror and Be Positive
Don’t tear yourself down when you look in the mirror. Don’t pick out each imperfection you think you have. Nobody’s body is perfect. Everyone can be self-conscious but you need to look at your body in it’s wholly imperfect form and not to berate yourself about it. Don’t think about how to change your body when you see yourself naked. Give yourself a pep-talk. Find what someone would love about your body. Look and take in your body and how it is changing. Look in the mirror and tell yourself nice things. If you can’t look at your own body, then you will never be able to accept someone else looking at your own body. You have to be comfortable with you before you can be comfortable with you and someone else.

Step 3: Dress Sexy
Wear what makes you feel sexy. Do you feel sexy with fitted clothes? Showing your legs? Showing a bit of cleavage? Showing your back? Having your great under garments then you feel goooood even if no one can see it, you’ll feel it. A matching bra and panty set can change your whole day.

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