Have you ever wonder why some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Often pondered why no-sex marriages are on the rise; what exactly could have gone wrong in a relationship that started off with so much passion? Sadly, when you look around and bother to probe, sexless marriages are pretty common these days. So how did two people who were once not having enough of each other suddenly turned to become so distant?
These days, couples fall out of their desire for each other over all sorts of reason; their ‘Love’ for each other can very quickly dwindle with some ending up going their separate ways.
More often than not, these are couples who are not truly enjoying each other; couples that are not truly committed to each other perhaps.
Unless your partner is suffering from a medical condition and not speaking up because he doesn’t wish for you to worry, there is basically no good reason why he is not having sex with you. Some nice women would give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he is tired from work, but come on, three months, six months …. even a fortnight is a period over the hills. Sex is a natural bi-product of love or at least it should be and very much expected of in a marriage. If there is a ‘Reason’ for not having sex in a marriage, other than that caused by a medical condition, that reason could only be ‘No Love’.
Well, many are willing to accept that a sexless streak could possibly be a case of the husband being habituated to a just as tired housewife, jaded even, or stressed out by work, and quietly the woman endures but all too soon, it’s a few months passed.
Love is that emotion that combines attraction and need for someone or something, although “Love can exist without passion” according to Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., a professor of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst in her ‘Psychology Today’ blog. It can be selfless and all consuming, gentle or intense, affectionate and sexual or platonic. You can love a romantic partner, your family, your pet, an object or an idea.
Passion on the other hand, is that emotion commonly associated with love but measured by intensity. Like love, it is also the ardent joy and desire for someone or something. “In a romantic relationship, it can ebb after a couple of years,” according to Whitbourne, but may rebound when the kids head off to school. Nonetheless, it can die if you don’t feed it by spending time together and with the passion to give your partner your best.
However, people generally assume that passion may accompany love, and love may burn passionately, but look…. unconditional love for family and close friends can exist for a lifetime without passion or desire. Intense love affairs do have passion, but sadly not all loving relationships are built upon that. Furthermore, passion alone is not sufficient. People often confuse love for passion and mistake love for sensual gratification. So much so that love is often synonymous with passion.
For a man, feeling loved and loving is very often aligned with physical intimacy so there’s no reason why your man is not making love to you. Men feel love when they are making love.
Women are a little different. Women feel loving and feel loved when they are emotionally close with their partner.
While both physical love and intimacy are important to a relationship, they are not the basis of a sustainable marriage. Over time, as observed by Psychologist Whitbourne, the passion can ebb.
During the first year or so into a marriage, feelings of loving and being loved are intense because both the male and female notions of “love” are being satisfied. Being newly married and with the absence of children make it all too easy to maintain a high level of physical intimacy and closeness. But time changes matter and introduce new challenges, and very soon you’ll feel out of steam and not much passion left for anything else but a break. The thing is, the longer you are into a relationship, the more difficult it becomes to maintain that initial degree of passion. Children, careers and responsibilities make it even more difficult to stoke the passion. Soon you’ll realise that passion is not the most important ingredient, because if a relationship is based primarily on passion, and when that fades, you’ll only have dismay to carry. Physical ‘Attractiveness’ change over time as well. So, if love isn’t based exclusively on passion and intimacy, what else can sustain a relationship through the years?
A selfless love that has very little to do with sensual pleasure, is known as Commitment,. Commitment is a love so powerful that no matter what happens, there will always be dedication and loyalty. This kind of emotion is an expression of love that supersedes all passion. But does this mean that expression of passion is out of the window?? Absolutely not.
Love and the expression of passion are extremely important to a marriage. They make us feel good and bring us closer to our significant other half. If for whatsoever reason, you cannot have sexual intercourse, cuddling, a hug or a kiss can be equally fulfilling. Commitment provides us with a higher state of love and ensures that we are dedicated and loyal to our partner even when sex becomes fewer and further between. Unfortunately, many marriages are not based on a selfless love and this is why so many end in divorce.